Do you ever have one of those moments where you’re like… “I’m in my life. I’m LIVING this blank.” Admittedly, it happens to me most when I’m eating. Like, that’s apparently when I’m super ~present~. For example: “This pizza is the best pizza that I believe has ever entered my mouth. I am going to take a moment to appreciate it because it’s completely and truly magical.” Obviously that’s not anything I’ve ever thought though. Borrowed from a friend.
But, on a more serious note…sometimes it’s bigger. Sometimes there are moments where you look around and are like… “I’m living this. I created this life that’s all around me.” And, that’s pretty fucking cool.
Those moments have been hitting me lately, mixed with extreme doses of anxiety. Ahem:
“Like, wow, I’m living in New York (proud).”
And then, approximately 30 seconds later… “WOW I’M LIVING IN NEW YORK AND SOMETIMES IT’S LONELY AND IT’S WINDY AND I’VE BEEN DRINKING A LOT AND SOMETIMES I SMOKE TOO AND SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM MORE THAN I CAN EVEN HANDLE AND I’M TIRED OF ONLY SEEING CEMENT AND I MISS YOGA BUT IT’S SO EXPENSIVE AND I WONDER WHERE I’LL BE WORKING IN A MONTH (anxiety).”
But, basically, ultimately, really…it’s so cool when you can take a step back and just be happy to be where you are. And maybe not even be happy about it…maybe just to even see it is what matters. Especially living in this extremely fast paced city, it’s so easy to never check in. I could probably hop on the subway and get to work on autopilot with my eyes closed at this point. Like, a robot.
But it’s New York! In the Spring! This is what dreams are made of (right?)!
So…I’m trying to be in the moment. I’m trying to stop and smell the roses (at the market…where they live…because there is no grass…) and I’m trying to be thankful for everything I’m learning. About life. About friendships. About love.
Everything isn’t easy. I would venture to say nothing is easy right now. But. I fucking moved to New York City in the dead of winter alone and I’m fucking still here and I’m fucking proud of myself. That single moment (and other great ones since) will always be mine. And sometimes, the internets.
“It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. Right? And this bag was just dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That’s the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.”
–Ricky Fitts, American Beauty
So, cheers to being present y’all- and seeing the beauty, wherever you may be.